The first hint of John’s sexuality that caught my eye while reading this novel appears on page six:

“John stared at Elisha all during the lesson, admiring the timbre of Elisha’s voice…admiring the leanness, and grace, and strength, and darkness of Elisha in his Sunday suit, wondering if would ever be holy as Elisha was holy…when Elisha paused to ask John a question, John was ashamed and confused, feeling the palms of his hand become wet and his heart pound like a hammer.”

John appears to be enamoured by Elisha as he attends his lessons, admiring his “strength, leannes, and grace.” This alone doesn’t really tell us much, but what I found significant was the shame and confusion that follows when he’s caught in the throws of his admiration. I felt that from this excerpt, Baldwin is (not so subtly) pointing at John’s homosexuality and his own negative feelings towards it. This excerpt also indicates that he’s repressing his true feelings, which I believe is definitely influenced by his religious upbringing and the fact that he is specifically a black boy in a religious setting. 

We already know that sometimes, though this isn’t always the case, religion does have a tendency to shame those who fall under the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, but when you add race, the conversation of what is and what is not accepted into a black church changes meaning. There is an idea that black males should always be strong both mentally and psychically, ultra-masculine, and leaders for their families and communities. When a black male shows any sign of not being heterosexual, all of sudden he is seen as feminine and is no longer allowed to be viewed as strong, masculine, or even leadership material, as if one’s sexuality can take away from that. 

I believe that this mode of thinking is what causes John to feel shame for his budding sexuality, which Baldwin succinctly illustrates early on in this novel.

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